Slaying the Emotional Dragon

One thing I have observed about myself lately: Like I avoid confrontation, I (typically) avoid emotion. And when I say that, it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel emotion, however, like fossil fuel can be converted into electricity, my emotions quickly convert themselves into anything else but it’s original state: if I am agitated about something, I’ll quickly convert the feeling of agitation into driving me to go run 5 miles; or instead of absorbing sadness, I’ll touch on it briefly and then will transform that feeling from my fingers onto the black and white keys of my piano through a Chopin nocturne. Anger? Take that! You’ll be converted into my next big business move. Why feel anger when you can make money instead? Anxiety…*KaRaTe ChOp!*…into excitement you transform as I will defeat you, taking you from my worst nemesis and turning you into my ally as I make more allies and become the social butterfly in the room.

Conversions, Conversions, so seemingly kind that swiftly misses the wreckage to mind.

However, not all emotions I avoid. Happiness, Joy, Love, Elation…well, these are ok. I still may convert them into a piece of art or a business strategy, but I don’t mind lingering on the feelings of these emotions for too long. They, my friend, are pleasant.

There is one disadvantageous feeling I still have not conquered yet, and that is hurt—a feeling so infrequently felt by me that every time it crosses my path, I seem to (for lack of better words), become its bitch. And then I ponder: ‘why have I slayed the dragons of so many emotional matrices yet Hurt whips me swiftly into submission, turning me into its slave?’ My reasoning: Hurt (for me) triggers a plethora of feelings and memories that, well, make me extremely vulnerable. And cool-headed, strong-minded, Aquarius Lesley dislikes being made vulnerable. Rather than feel hurt, I want to discard it and convert it into something else, like I have all of my other emotions, but there is a harsh reality: I can’t run from it. I have to accept the vulnerability…and feel it…and then process it. And oh man, is this uncomfortable, because I’m not a ‘feeler;’ I’m a doer! (at least that’s what I tell myself). And when my friends describe me as kind but ‘slightly unemotional’ and ‘distant,’ how can I live up to expectation by admitting that I actually let my emotion get to me? But one of them has {gotten to me}.

Hurt has recently set in, and instead of running away or coolly setting it on a shelf, I have decided to stare it in the face and take this on. But this means doing something that I hate doing: feeling pain and being vulnerable…really just taking it all in. I tend to not expose the rare emotional side of me that can come through from time to time… most of you probably see me nonchalantly posting photos of my business, my travel, my life, positive or quirky sayings, but nothing truly emotionally ‘deep’. I do this for several reasons, mostly to protect myself and serve as a reasonably rational soundboard for advice and inspiration to my friends and loved ones. But I’m realizing that, even sometimes the strongest people can be made vulnerable and that it is ok to show some emotion. In fact, even the strongest of us can’t be super human ALL of the time. To feel emotion and to even submit to it, in moderation, means that we are human…and I have to remind myself that it’s okay to breathe and Just. Be. Human.

Thank you to my friends and loved ones who–in the rare times I am public about my feelings—show empathy and understanding. I do admit, I will probably never be that emotional/overemotional person, as I believe more in reason than I do in havoc; but I will try to show more of my ‘real’ side (if so desired) and maybe even some of my vulnerabilities. In the long run, I think this will help in my emotional growth, evolution and connection to other human beings. And isn’t this what most of us strive for in the end?

Thank you, friends. Love you and thank you for supporting me in this journey of self-discovery and growth. Looking forward to staying connected to you all.

~Lesley Yvonne~